Bittersweet Mother's Day

My daughter Gabriella was the start of being a mother for me. For the 3 months I was able to carry her, she taught me something that would make me a better person and a better mom. My daughter showed me just how short life can really be. She made me put my life into perspective and to value those who genuinely cared for me. She made me value myself and showed me the life I could have. From the moment she left my body, I made it my priority to dismiss all negative things from my life. I knew what I wanted in life and that she would always be watching me every step of the way. 
I know that she never came into this world breathing but I'm leading her by example. I'm showing her what a black woman is capable of. But most importantly what her mom is capable of. 

Then there's Jeremiah. The second time I became a mom was also a miracle. He was so active while I was pregnant. I felt his first kick at about 9 weeks. I was thinking no way not possible. Until we had an ultrasound. He was moving all around nonstop. He wanted to let me know he was ok. Must of knew I was a mess, just sitting on the edge of my seat everyday praying to god, that he would be my rainbow baby. I carried him for 8 months, before I almost lost him too. My once active growing little boy, had stopped growing and wasn’t as active. 
When the cesarean began all I could think was cry, please cry. And I heard nothing. He didn’t cry, instead he looked at me and stuck out his tongue. He was calm for me; I was a shaking mess expecting the worst.

Usually they say there’s a calm before the storm. But I had already battle the storm for years, so my calm was waiting and his name was Jeremiah Mesih. He calmed me in a way I hadn’t been in years. So much so I devoted the first 16 months of his life being a student and a stay at home mom. He taught me to slow down and enjoy life. 

This mother’s day is so bittersweet, but honestly it’s a day for me to truly reflect on where I am, and where I’m headed. A day of reminder, that my babies are watching and I need to lead. 

Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms, especially to the moms who have angel babies. It’s hard to love from afar.